


The Hargrove Tapes

by cc tinslebee (Doitlikeagreaser)



Series: The Billy Hargrove Files [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Abusive Neil Hargrove (mentioned), Billy Hargrove Being Less of an Asshole, Billy Hargrove Deserves Better, Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Billy Hargrove Redemption, Billy Hargrove Tries to Be a Better Sibling, Gen, Harringrove, Hurt Billy Hargrove, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Pedophilia, Implied/Referenced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, M/M, One-Sided Attraction (implied), Other, Regret, Stranger Things 3, billy hargrove centric, possessed Billy Hargrove
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 11:34:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20407057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doitlikeagreaser/pseuds/cc%20tinslebee
Summary: In the face of inevitable death, Billy Hargrove takes a moment from the chaos to confess his sins in attempt to bring some closure to those around him.





	The Hargrove Tapes

A small cassette recorder is placed carefully into the television’s video cassette player. The otherwise dark room is lit up solely by the light of the television. For a moment, the screen is dark other than the small, white words “PM 10:13 July 03 1985.” A rustling noise comes from the television as if the person who had recorded the tape was struggling to get the camera to work. Then a voice spoke up.

“Is this thing even on--”

A large hand pulled back from the camera lense, revealing the worse for wear, Billy Hargrove. His tan skin appeared much paler in the dark room, and the addition of the camera’s grey hue certainly didn’t help. But it was clear based on how his curly hair stuck to his unnaturally sweaty forehead and the wild, terrified look in his eyes that the paleness of his skin was no trick of the light.

“Oh, hey,” the young adult said to no one.

Billy stared at the camera for a moment, unsure of what to say and knowing that he was the only one who could say anything. He ran his hand through his hair and looked away, seemingly searching for the words that only he could provide.

He started out with a sigh. “I guess I should just start out as crudely as possible. If you’re watching this, I’m probably dead. That’s really the only way to put it. I didn’t spend my time here very well, so I’m sure I deserve whatever is coming to me. If anyone cares enough to watch this, I have some things to explain. No messing around, no asshole attitude, just the whole truth and nothing but it.

“I should start at the beginning,” Billy took in a deep breath. “My mother was the kindest, most gentle person I’ve ever known. I never did understand why she would marry someone like my father. She seemed to care for me more than anyone else in the world. She always tried to keep me out of harm’s way—or rather, Neil’s. Until even that was too much for her to handle. Neil pushed her away from us; away from me. I’m not sure where she is now: gone, maybe dead. Point is that she left and it was just Neil and me. I guess with Mom gone he needed someone else to take out his aggression on. I never knew why he did what he did: treating me like shit and all. But then he met Susan Mayfield and soon enough, he had gotten her wrapped around his finger just like he did my mom. Susan is too skittish to ever end it like my mom did. She’s like… a mouse, or one of those guinea pig things. Anyway, she just became another person for Neil to abuse as he pleased. He doesn’t go after Max, though. He leaves Max alone.” 

He paused. “I’m going on about things that don’t matter. The point is that I behave the way I do for no other reason than it makes me feel more in control than I have all my life. I act out because my father is a bigot who has never said or done a nice thing to anyone since I can remember. It might not seem like a good enough excuse, but it’s the truth. There’s really no excuse for the things I’ve done of my own will.”

Billy stopped there are looked around the room as if he sensed the presence of something that the camera couldn’t see. His eyes then focused back on the camera. “I don’t have much time. Maxine--or whoever is watching this--I need to come clean about something. Several days ago, I was driving to a motel to meet up with Karen Wheeler. She’s Nancy and… Mike-- I think--'s mother. She and her friends have been acting kind of weird since I became a lifeguard; they've been coming to the pool with their kids to just ignore their small children to oogle me, despite the fact that they all have kids around my age. I know, sounds pretty hypocritical of me. I guess I thought if I did it, then she would leave me alone at work. And our interaction alone would be enough to cancel out any… rumors about me. Anyway, I was heading there when I passed this old warehouse or whatever it was. I swerved out of control and my car crashed. I went out to check out the damage, but the car was acting all totalled. That’s when…” 

He stopped. His eyes went blank, his expression unreadable. Then, just like that, he snapped out of it. “Something from inside the building grabbed me. It tore me from my car and into the warehouse kicking and screaming. But it was no use. I tried to grab the stairs, or the railing, or _ something _before it dragged me to the basement. It was too strong. I was sure I was about to die, but what happened then was much worse.” Billy shuddered in horror, unwilling to even think about what happened ‘after,’ almost as if it would send him back into that moment. 

“I ran out of that place and into my car. Somehow, I was able to drive away. I drove, and I drove, until I found a telephone booth off the side of the road. I tried calling someone--anyone--but suddenly I wasn’t where I was before. Except, I was. It was this… twisted version of Hawkins. It was grey, and cold, and this weird snow-like dust was just floating everywhere. Outside there was… someone out there. He looked like me, but he wasn’t. Somehow I knew from the look in those eyes that weren’t mine that this _ thing _ was the same thing that dragged me down earlier.

“I’m rambling again,” Billy shook his head, almost as if to scold himself. He looked down in what seemed to be disappointment in himself. “I’ve done terrible things because of it. Inexcusable, indescribable, terrible, horrible things. My coworker…” he hesitated, “and friend, Heather Holloway; she only wanted to help me and she got hurt because of it. She’s probably going to die _ because of me _. When Mrs. Wheeler came up to me after the fact, I brushed her away because I knew she had a family and I couldn’t hurt those people. I didn’t want to risk the lives of Maxine’s stupid friends or Harrington’s precious Nancy Wheeler. Because if Karen Wheeler had fallen victim like Heather did, there’s no doubt that it would have spread to Nancy and Mike Wheeler. And then it could have gotten Max’s best friend, or her boyfriend, or her, or Steve. I wasn’t about to let that happen. Not to them. I’d never thought I would say it to their faces, but those people are the kindest and most loyal people I’ve ever met in my shitty existence.” He stopped again. “So why was it that I could save the life of an unfaithful pedophile and not my own best friend?”

Billy shook again, like a small jolt of electricity ran through his spine. “There are so many people who are going to die because of me. I’m sure some of them are terrible people who probably deserve what’s coming to them. Hell, maybe I’m one of those people. But what about the people like Heather? Good, kindhearted folks with their whole lives ahead of them, the innocent elderly, freaking _ kids!”_ He let out a long breath. “And it’s all my fault. All this to try to preserve myself and my stupid reputation.”

Billy cautiously looked around his room again. “I probably don’t have much more time, so I should get this over with. I wanted to explain myself and I did that. Now, I want to talk to a few people and come clean. I had plans to do this before and make amends with people I dislike or I’ve hurt. So, I guess I’ll start with Neil Hargrove. 

“Let me be frank: you were a shit father. Seriously, what gives you the right to do everything you did and think it’s okay? You had none. You always preach about people needing to take some responsibility for their actions, but what about you? You’re the one who drove Mom away. _You’re_ the one who physically and verbally abused your son for no reason at all. You’re the one who lured women into a false sense of security with you only to get them trapped in a marriage where you could do whatever you wanted to them. You made everyone in your life feel scared and trapped. You pushed Mom too hard to the point where she had to leave her only son to get away from _ you._ She’s probably dead now and it will have been _your_ fault. Not mine. I’m just a kid who became a bully, all because his father was an abusive bigot. I may be the bad guy now, but you made me into a monster long before this thing took over. At least I won’t be able to see you tear apart the Mayfields like you did your own family.”

Billy was quick to look away from the camera when he finished. He appeared to have been trying to cool himself down before continuing. “There are a few people that I believe I have wronged in my time here that I feel as though deserve an apology. For one, Heather. I know you probably won’t be alive to hear this, but I needed to apologise to you for everything. You don’t deserve to die. You’re an innocent in all of this and I feel terrible that I couldn’t restrain myself enough to ensure that you’d live to see another day. It’s all my fault that you and your parents are hurt and I hope that maybe someday, you’ll be able to forgive me. You were just a coworker doing her job and a friend trying to help. I’m sorry. Heather.”

He attempted to run his hand through his sweaty curls, almost as if he were trying to avoid a point to a conversation. But it was only him, trying to avoid the upcoming point he was about to make in a conversation that couldn’t possibly be more one sided. “I never really did apologise to you for acting like a dick all the time, Harrington. Maybe I tried to, but it didn’t seem sincere enough. I guess I do have this whole superiority complex that doesn’t allow me to communicate my feelings all too clearly. I went a little psycho back in November when we had that fight at the Byers’. I’m sorry for messing up your face and acting like an asshole all the time. I’m sorry that I always seemed to tease you and that is always seemed to come from a place of maliciousness. Harrington, I couldn’t be anymore sincere than I am in this moment. Truth be told, when I first met you, I was actually scared shitless. Scared of you and your perfect life, and your perfect hair. I was scared because I was intimidated. You had this title as King Steve of Hawkins High School, and I knew that I would never be able to live up to that. But then I actually met you. I didn’t understand how someone could be so… bright. You just had this bright presence about you; even if you didn’t always act like it. I noticed it even more that night at the Byers’. Despite getting your ass kicked, you still fought back and defended those kids like your life depended on it. I was too much of an ass to admit how much I admired you in that moment. Your form was off and you forgot to plant your feet, but you were fighting for those kids and that took strength.

“I was scared,” Billy repeated to himself. “Not of you, but of myself. I was scared of things you made me feel and I took to attempting to destroy that light that I saw in you to make myself feel better about the whole thing. But it only made things worse. For me and for you. If I had the privilege of living longer than I am apparently made out to, I would start off by apologising to you about everything I’ve done in person. Hopefully you’d allow yourself to forgive me. To give me a chance.

“Now, Maxine--” Billy stopped himself abruptly. “Max,” he corrected, firmly. “I think I’ve done you wrong more than most. I know we’ve been able to somewhat forgive each other for all the shit that’s gone down between us. But I wanted to say more than I’d ever have the courage to say. For the record, Max, I’ve been a real dick to you for as long as we’ve been in Hawkins. My behaviour was inexcusable, I know that now. You were right, I’m the reason we had to leave California. I thought I could be happy for once since my mom left, but I messed up. It’s not your fault, Max. I know that now. I wish I would have acknowledged that sooner, then maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. It wasn’t right of me to do everything that I did to you. I acted out towards you specifically because I couldn’t take it out on the source: Neil.”

Billy went silent for a moment, searching for anything else he could apologise for. “There’s so much I want to say to you, Max. So much I need to apologise for. I…” _ I just don’t know how. _ “I want you to have the Camaro. It means a lot to me, so if you could just… fix it up a bit and just keep it for a little bit. You can sell it, if you really want. All I ask is that you make sure it goes to a worthy owner and that it’ll never have to spend it’s life in a junkyard. I wish I could have lived long enough to teach you a thing or two about car mechanics. I was actually planning on doing that later this summer, when I had so time off of work. Oh, and I know you’ve been looking for a new skateboard ever since Susan threw yours away, trying to get you become more ‘girly,’ or whatever. In my last drawer, there’s a new skateboard hidden underneath some shirts. I paid for it using money from lifeguarding this summer. I really hope you like it.”

He took a deep breath. “I wanted to take a moment to apologise to Sinclair for a moment. I was an asshole to you especially, and my behaviour was completely unacceptable. I really couldn’t tell you why I targetted you so terribly. I guess I went too far in trying to protect Max--not like she needs protecting. I guess I was more worried about how Neil would react if he ever found out. He’d kill me for allowing something like this to happen, and I worried that he would hurt you and Max too. It wouldn’t be the first time he hurt someone that was involved with his kids because he didn’t like something about them. I don’t care about the color of your skin, Sinclair. That shit doesn’t matter to me. People should be able to love who they want to love and the fact that some people won’t allow that sucks. But _ he _thinks differently. Maybe I was looking out for myself. But I was looking out for Max too. Sinclair, if you ever see this tape, I need to ask something of you. You seem to really care for Max, and I respect that. I need you to look after her and stay by her side even if things go south with your romantic relationship. I need you to stay her friend no matter what because she hasn’t had a good one of those in a long time. And you seem like a good guy. Sincla--”

Billy stopped himself abruptly. His eyes clamped shut and his bottom lip began to quiver, almost as if in pain. Billy bit down on the shaking lip and when he opened his eyes, they were all watery. For once in a very long time, Billy Hargrove had allowed himself to be vulnerable again. It could be seen throughout the recording, behind his eyes, that something in him was changing. What could have been mistaken as the Mindflayer regaining control became clear that it was something all together.

Billy Hargrove was letting down the walls he so desperately wanted to keep up.

“Lucas,” he affirmed, regaining his strength. “You better stand by my little sister.”

He sniffed before burying his tired face in his hands. His entire body shook, his tank top still visibly sticky to him due to the sweat. He let out a few sobs, coughing and wheezing for desperately need air. When he lifted his head up, he quickly wiped the remaining tears from his face, but the tear stains on his face, the broken look in his eyes followed by the puffy post-cry redness around them, along with the last minute’s footage wouldn’t fool anyone. He sniffled once again and cleared his throat.

“That… thing from the warehouse is planning something big. I’m not sure when this tape will be found or who will find it, but I hope it’s of some use to someone. The thing that is not of this world but it wants nothing. And you can’t stop or negotiate with something that wants _ no thing,_ Max, or Steve, or whoever is watching this. That may seem discouraging, but there is _ one thing._ It’s angry. I felt it in the sauna that night when you kids trapped me in there to see if it was true. It wasn’t the first time you lot had got in its way, was it? There was a familiar, but resentful feeling. It’s angry with you all for thwarting it over and over again. That’s it’s weak point. It maybe want for nothing, but it does want you out of the way. That’s something. You’re the weak link in it’s plans. It didn’t count on that before. But now you have that to your advantage.”

That desperate look in his eyes slowly softened. The urgency that had led him to leave this message in the first place was over. He had said what he needed to say.

It’s impossible to say what Billy Hargrove was thinking in that moment. Perhaps, he was wondering what would happen if by some chance he survived this and had to confront the people he had confessed to in these tapes. Maybe he was thinking about the “what ifs” of his life and how things could have been different if, say, his mother had taken him with her or if he hadn’t given into the forced teachings of Neil Hargrove. Or, maybe he was thinking of nothing at all, but rather taking a breath. For once in his life, maybe he felt liberated. Neil was nowhere to be seen; the Mindflayer was absent from his mind -- undoubtably resting or channeling most of its energy somewhere more important -- and he had just confessed his sins, providing clarity to a future Max Mayfield and Steve Harrington (and, of course, Lucas Sinclair).

There was just one thing left to do.

“I guess this is goodbye,” Billy admitted. “I never would have expected that my life would end this way.” He chuckled to himself, “Yeah, I guess no one really expects their life to end as a result of being used as a puppet by some creatures from a parallel world.” His joking tone deceived him, as this series of events was obviously nothing to joke about to him. He and undoubtedly a lot of other people had experienced unimaginable trauma that no one should ever have to endure; especially someone so young as Heather and Billy, and the handful of kids who had fallen victim as well.

Billy wiped away one of his eyes that was threatening to water. “I hope none of you are too sad over it. I don’t deserve it, anyway. Let’s not make this too formal, okay? Hopefully my death will be more valuable than my life. Hopefully, I get to die for something greater than It’s grand plan. Lord help me if my death results in It winning. I know you can do it. I know you can beat It.” He looked directly at the camera and gave a small, but genuine smile. “Kick some monster ass, you guys. Give it your all.

“I’ll see you on the other side.”

Once again, the screen went black.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is much appreciated; thanks for reading!


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